Just a crush

There are so many different things I want to say, but I cant seem to fit it into the correct order
With the right wordplay and just enough imagery to write something beautiful
I do know that what I feel is
It's the feeling of a brand new blush on your cheeks
It's the way you make me smile until my face hurts
And I laugh out loud to nothing in front of strangers
Seemingly crazy, laughing into the open air
All because I thought about something you told me in the previous days
It's the way my heart squeezes when I see you
The way I'm content with the way things are
Simply just enjoying the view, as you could say
I have so much trouble describing this "feeling"
So much fuss, and it's just a crush

You make me feel like I can't breathe
But in a good way

Here in the sky

Gaze up at the stars
Shining against a deep blue
Hide in them with me

Dancing among time
Clouds come and then fade away
We will always be

I've been only yours
During misery and fear
Wait at dusk for me

Infinite pleasure
Awaits you here in the sky
Forever waiting

Summer

She's back again
With her long flowing hair and the way she walks
Her profound curves and her silky talk
How I've missed her
Her intense gaze, blue eyes that immerse your soul into cold
But she's gold
Plush lips, those lips...
Those lips, their kiss
It's bliss 

It's almost maddening, really
The way she saunters past and knows
She take's the light with her
Leaving behind no life and a time that could only be described as... winter

Cheshire grin

It gets to be too much, the pain.

Sometimes I can feel it following me wherever I go, like it has latched itself onto my back and made itself apart of me as my shadow.

I can feel it watching me and waiting for me to smile so it can destroy my happiness, feeding off of my disappointment and mocking me as it grows....

I'm afraid it's going to swallow me.

Purgatory

Set fire to my skin and ignite my eternity
Surely, they say... I will forever be condemned to an everlasting blaze of a nightmare 
Hear me howl and cry as I pull on the chains that keep me here
A violent hysteria that makes it dangerous for not only myself, but those around me
I've got a sickness in my soul and voices in my head
Not just voices but whispers and screeching
Not only words but shrill reminders that I, you, me, not you but I
I will always have suffering in my bones
I will always be this far from home
 
My eyes are not windows but dark tunnels that will lead you to a place of fear
A chilling terror, and bitter loneliness...

The gray area

I sit here with my face upturned to the sky

Parting my lips and closing them around the sweet addiction that I hold oh so dear to me

Breathing in the stale toxin that gradually infects my lungs

The clouds are forming in gray masses

Matching my pattern of thinking

However I am trapped here

The swirling smoke held inside of me left to build and flow through my mind until it runs through my veins

They are free flowing, the clouds

Free to express themselves on sunny days when all is calm; on stormy nights when their cries aren’t so silent

No one questions them

I do not posses that luxury

So until this day and from this night on my storm will be kept inside of me

Except for when the smoke escapes yet again from my parted lips

Stress relief found in a menthol cigarette

Long nights

It's around this time of year

When you can smell the trees again

You can feel a warm breeze

That feeling in the air

The way the same sky transforms from something cold 

To something warm

Heating up my memory

It's the feeling of me walking home from your house late at night

Leisurely strolls without our shoes on

Twisting trails, long talks

An air that holds the secrets of deep conversation 

We're stressed 

We're depressed

Slightly panicked

But it's warmer

And we're together

A mouthful

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect."
-Anias Nin

The author and procrastinator

Writing about writers block.
Writing, and writing, and writing, and so on.
About nothing in particular.
No meaning to my words.
Hold them dear to you in a time of procrastination.
I write about nothing for the sake of writing.
You read about nothing as a pass time.
A give and take relationship that goes no where.
So luckily we don't need a map.
You don't need the focus to absorb the information that I could provide you by handing you a blank page.
And I have no need for a rough draft.

Shadow

I can feel the hate radiating off of you

It recedes with you as you walk away

Clinging to your body like a filthy tar

With my back to the beast

A feeling of frustration entangles me and I let it hold me back.
It intertwines itself with my desires and devours them until I loose sight of what I want.
Only when I give up, that's when I find myself relieved.
Though relief doesn't mask the shame that I feel afterwards in the same way that this monster hides my desires. 
I just sulk in my corner, staring down at my hands, so angry with myself for giving up.
But behind me there is a beast... It's a dark black mass of my greatest fear; failure.
I couldn't dare look it in the eyes.

Tom Waits

 

Simple thinking: A word of advice

Piece of advice:
If you think to yourself, "I should write this down."
WRITE IT DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
You never know what beauty underlies a simple thought.

Everything you write is worthwhile

So many people that I know, including myself get discouraged while writing. You may think that no one would want to hear you out just because you are not a "professional". Well I would like to say that no matter what you write on: scrap paper, in a journal, on a blog, or even if you publish your own novel someone is going to want to read what you wrote!

Tons of people seem to think no one is going to be interested in what they write. There are 7 billion people in the world and the beautiful thing is, we all make connections.
Do you remember the time when you were upset about something, and someone gave you a piece of advice that you just can't forget? That person didn't brainstorm, start a rough draft, edit, and make many more steps to get that advice published before they said it to you! My point is, everything you write will hold value to someone. Not everyone is going to like it, no. But somewhere out there your words are exactly what someone else was thinking, speaking, or even needing.


Write on.

Here is Passion

So here it is

The last floating wisp of my polychromatic creativity

The energizing trance of being inspired

I can’t focus on anything else but the overwhelming,  blinding sight of a higher power

Some higher power that can take me away

That can show me a life filled with the exploration of unanswered questions

A deity called passion

A goddess with a mind that twist and bends in such a way it’s reflected through her curves

              She whispers to me

She likes it when I interpret the way her lips move

One year later

A year later

I'm at the same river bed where I used to contemplate suicide

Wearing the same sunglasses too big for my face

And it's just me

The familiar sweep of emotions carry me 

Nostalgia presses down heavy

Short stuff

I want to spread a message higher than myself.
Though considering my height, it may just be out of my reach.
So I'll stretch for it, and strain. Standing on my toes...
All the while ignoring the groaning of my tired muscles.
Try to forgive me if I give into peer pressure.
If I crumble under the weighted strain my body pushes against my mind, against my will.

Am I broken?

Stuck in a desolate place; I can't find my footprints to guide me home.
Its cold here.
Drenched in the raw emotion spilling out of my eyes.
Finally letting myself feel.
Bittersweet release.
Torn in every direction by my heart's delicate seams.
Surrounded by people pushing pills in front of me.
They only want me to get better.
Does this mean I'm broken?
Crippled in the mind..

White Roses

Pure white roses
Who are you?
Curiosity on my mind
Tell me your secret ambitions
Your reverie of passion
Spill your dreams of orange and violet
Watercolor stained perfection
Are you envious of the sun and moon?
Burning bright with brilliance
Seemingly content
You stay white
Fearful of taking chances

Lake From The Past

I stumble onto a dense trail, hoping to find my dream. 

Perhaps even see your face.
 I'm not sure if you can walk into a memory.
 I find you standing in a lake, eyes reflecting the water.
 In a daze I take off my shoes.
 Dip my toes into the past.
 You smile in my direction and I'm in.

 Ankles.

 My mind wanders..
  How can this be?
  You left so long ago.
  You call for me, gripping my attention.

 Knees.

The water is cold.
 I can't feel my legs.
 I consider turning back.
 But the seconds, minuets, hours, days, weeks, and years you've been gone has been far too long...
 Never mind that I was counting.

Waist.

Half of my body is completely numb.
 I'm shivering, teeth chattering.
 But through the fog I still see you there.
 Its the longest you've ever stayed.

 Shoulders.

 I scream your name with pure delight, reaching out my arms.
  Running through icy water.
  You are so close... So close!
  Why can't I reach you?
  You turn around.
 Where are you going?
 Are you getting out of the water?
  I step forward, trying to follow.

 Drop off; I'm under.

Ignorance Is Bliss

I lay awake at night
Feeling you around my mind
Probing your image with questions
Spending time wondering in vain
Questions I'm afraid for
Afraid to ask
Afraid to know
I'm too hesitant to give up hope
Holding on to that one thread of possible validation that I deserve you
Ignorance is bliss
There is an urgency about my thoughts
They travel from my brain to my lungs swiftly and effectively filling me with anxiety
Shaking fingers and a nervous mind

Eyes

Red passion
Hot glory
Its beautiful
Energy uncontrollable
Unsustainable
Warm my soul through veins
Straight into icy fingertips
Appearing on my cheeks
A rosy glow
New life ablaze in my eyes
Sparks show in mine
Ice in yours
Still, they are warm
I long to melt ice with my fire
Hot to the touch
Eyes so blue

Remember when?

When roses are not red anymore, and cliche is out of the ordinary.
 When leaves go from orange to green in the summer they fall upwards.
 When everything is backwards and right isn't wrong..

Do you remember, do you remember when?

 A time so fast, a heartbeat too slow.
Within the blink of your eyes a house isn't a home.
From the touch of your soul, my cheeks burn blue.

Do you remember, do you remember when?

A moment so lovely its almost sickly.
When caring made you vain?
 When things went so wrong it made you feel perfect.
Worries and troubles bring you into fantasy.
Smiles and quiet make you appreciate reality.

Do you remember, do you remember when?

 Crying made you alive again...
 Happiness brought you to death.
The sun and the moon combined into two.
High spirits, low hopes.
The waves pulled you under, however when you were free your struggle didn't matter.
I live to resurface again.

Yes, I remember. I remember way back when.

All of me

You show up when I least expect it. I can't escape your face.
One side of me wants to smile when I see you.
On the other, I just want to forget about you.
However,
I feel my face flush when you look at me.
I feel my hands tremble when you speak to me.
My body goes weak when you're near me.
You take so much out of me and I want you to have it all.
All of me.

The Distance

I reach out to you

Can you hear me?
Echoing in the distance
I know you're there
So am I
Just listen
I am here, I am always here
Not too far away
I have no faith
For you, I'd pray..
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name
I'm reaching out to you
Can you feel me?
Wiping away your tears
I'd take on your fears
Giving my strength
Carry on one more day
When your glass shatters
I gather the pieces
I don't mind a bit of pain
I reach out to you
Can you hear me?
If not just call my name

Empty Space

 It's so much harder in the night

Through restless twist and turns
My body aches and groans and shakes
My soul forever yearns
To feel your flesh against my chest
And share proximity
My heart quakes and brakes and tears apart
Because it's only me
Searching through time and space
Wandering around my head
Though what I find could never fill

The empty space in my bed